I think this is the latest a Foyeurism has been posted since Hurricane Katrina hit. Don't know if it should be considered coincidental that there's currently a storm out in the Gulf of Mexico as I post this and another is on the way. Just letting you know September's Foyeurism might be way late too. Storms aren't the reason for this late posting; illness is and I'm not entirely sure if I'm fully over it yet. So, once again, next month's might be late as well. Since the month of August is already halfway over I'm just going to post a short Foyeurism and since I haven't done much writing in the last 2-3 weeks due to just not feeling to writing anything I decided to dip into my archives and dig out a review I wrote a while back but never published before. I have a few like that sitting around. I might have to break more out next month if things continue the way they are. Hopefully things will be back to normal by then.

What would you say if I told you someone made a prison movie that was a combination of THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, MIDNIGHT EXPRESS, and LOCK UP?

And what if I told you that the makers further spiced things up by tossing in organized death matches and the occasional violent ass raping?

Now what would you say if I told you it starred cocaine-enthusiasts Jean-Claude Van Damme and ex-New York Giants’ linebacker Lawrence Taylor and was directed by Hong Kong action director Ringo Lam?

As the cherry on top, what if I told you that the producers of said film were also the same folks responsible for those OCTOPUS, SPIDERS, CROCODILE, and SHARK ATTACK movies?

Okay, one last thing, what if I told you that the movie was actually less an action flick than a serious drama, albeit a serious drama punctuated by organized death matches and the occasional violent ass raping?

Sound promising?

Yes?

No?

No.

Sadly.

I think IN HELL makes for a more appropriate description of Jean Claude Van Damme’s career of late than a movie title. It’s easy to laugh at Steven Seagal; he gives his detractors so much ammunition. On the other hand, it’s harder to laugh at Jean-Claude Van Damme. Like Seagal, he too has provided his detractors with plenty on ammo. The difference being that Seagal hasn’t self-destructed from all of his personal demons to the degree Van Damme has. Reports of being difficult to work with, a narcissistic prick, a drug abuser, a serial adultery, reduced to begging big name Hollywood directors for work, and let’s not forget him being the subject of rumors ranging from nearly dying from drug overdoses to being HIV positive: Van Damme’s movie career clearly isn’t the only thing that’s gone to hell. His personal self-destruction being his own doing doesn't mean it's hard not feeling a little sorry for him. The recent movie JCVD was all about feeling sympathy for all his personal Van Dammage. See him in a movie like IN HELL, he looks old beyond his middle aged years - old, tired, and world weary. The frown lines on his face, the bags under his eyes; Van Damme’s not the high-kickin’ pretty boy we remember from a decade ago.

I also felt sorry for him while watching IN HELL because it was another attempt on his part to stretch as an actor and be more than just a past his prime action movie star. What few fight scenes there are aren't even the focal points of the film as Van Damme spends more time in those scenes getting his ass handed to him than dishing it out punishment. Van Damme doesn’t throw a single kick in the entire movie and actually manages to keep his pants on as well, surprising considering how prone the man is to mooning the audience. At least he’s still in pretty good physical shape, unlike a certain Mr. Seagal.

On the other hand, at least Steven Seagal is smart enough (more like just doesn't care anymore) to know where his bread is buttered and continues to churn out crappy junk that caters to the least discriminating fans of mindless action.

IN HELL's downfall was that it wasn’t trashy nor campy enough to entertain as either mindless pulp or literate or compelling enough to succeed as a hard-hitting drama. What I watched was a lumbering mishmash that grew increasingly tedious despite some fisticuffs breaking out from time to time, and when need be, the occasional violent ass raping is tossed in to wake you up.

One does have to give Van Damme some credit for trying to diversify. The sad truth is that Jean-Claude Van Damme simply is not a good actor. The best performance of his career was in the recent JCVD, a movie where he portrayed himself and the meat of the performance was Van Damme reflecting on what a mess he's made of his life. That was the only acting I've ever seen Van Damme do that I would call good and it's kind of a cheat when you're just playing yourself in what amounts to a fictionalized heist flick combined with a real-life therapy session.

As for IN HELL, the moment he opens his mouth to mumble out his lines, which he does quite a bit here, Van Damme delivers his dialogue in the same stilted, accented, marble-mouthed manner he’s always done. His most compelling moments are in the quieter scenes that required little more than letting the camera film him looking sad, tired, depressed, and beaten down by life.

Van Damme is Kyle LeBlanc, currently living in Russia working as, I believe, some sort of construction contractor. He and his wife are homesick for life back in Louisiana.

Ah, yes, once again Van Damme’s accent is supposed to be explained away by saying he’s of Cajun heritage. Living in the Deep South and having spent considerable time in the state of Louisiana, let me assure you that the only people down here with accents like Van Damme’s are Belgium tourists. Schwarzenegger movies were smart enough to either admit his character was born in a European country or just never let the subject be brought up for any explanation. Was there ever a seen in any of the TERMINATOR movies where Arnold explains that he was built in a German factory and that's why he's a robot that speaks with an Eastern European accent? Of course not.

Okay, so Cajun born and bred Kyle LeBlanc is driving home, talking to the wife on his car phone, when she’s suddenly attacked and soon murdered during an attempted rape. LeBlanc speeds home just in time to find his wife dead and the killer hiding in the shadows waiting to smash something over his head instead of fleeing the scene of the crime like any sensible killer would have. A few punches here and a foot chase there are topped off with a gratuitous let’s-both-go-crashing-through-a-plane-of-glass scene before the cops show up.

Flash forward to the trial where the judge is forced to dismiss the charges because of some legal snafu. Outside the courtroom, a distraught LeBlanc swipes a cop’s gun and blows his wife’s killer to kingdom come. Next thing you know, LeBlanc is standing before the very same judge being sentenced to life in prison for murder. Seeing as how Van Damme is still wearing the same exact wardrobe in this scene I can only assume they just dragged his character right back into the courtroom and immediately passed sentence. Now that’s what I call a speedy trial. Try joking about that, Yakov Smirnoff.

All of this is crammed into the first 10 minutes of the movie, mind you.

Kyle LeBlanc is given a life sentence for the murder of his wife’s murderer and is shipped off to the harshest of all Russian prisons - Kravavi. I’m not positive but I do believe that "Kravavi" may very well be Russian for “every prison movie cliché in the book.” Let’s just run down a few, shall we?

Corrupt warden – check.
Abusive prison guards – check.
Younger inmate used as the prison bitch – check.
The prisoner who can get you whatever goods you want – check.
Main character that is constantly getting tossed into solitary confinement – check.

That's just to name few.

Let’s not forget about all the various gangs that populate the prison. You’ve got the gang of bald guys led by the bald guy with a goatee, the gang of bald guys lead by a bald guy without a goatee, and the gang of bald guys lead by a bald guy with lots of tattoos and a goatee. Everyone in prison is bald because they have their heads shaved upon arriving at the prison to prevent lice; everyone that is except for Jean-Claude Van Damme. I think his head is the only part of Van Damme unshaven.

In lieu of total baldness, the aging pretty boy merely gets a really short buzz cut. Now not only does Van Damme appear tired and boast world-weary facials, he also sports what I honestly believe may very well be the single worst haircut in the history of motion pictures. Try to envision a Julius Caesar combined with a Richie Cunningham. Blech! There were entire scenes where all I could do was just stare at the hair on his head and wonder if he had any idea how terrible it looked on him.

The corrupt prison officials like to get together with corrupt prison officials from other corrupt Russian prisons and stage brutal, bare knuckle, dirt pit death matches between inmates for them to wager on while the other inmates cheer. These fights also feature Michael Buffer-esque introductions by the ugliest Russian transsexual you’ve ever seen.

It wouldn’t be much of a movie if LeBlanc behaved like a model prisoner and everyone just left him alone, so he keeps getting into scrapes, usually getting his butt kicked in the process and tossed into solitary confinement, which is basically this holding cell that is quite literally a hole in the wall. At first he’s suicidal but then…

For those of you who actually endured PATCH ADAMS, do you remember the scene where Robin Williams was standing near a ledge asking God what the point of living was after Monica Potter was murdered? Remember how just when it seemed like he may actually consider committing suicide that butterfly caught his attention and reminded him of his dead girlfriend, thus giving him hope to go on living? Sure you do, because if you ever endured PATCH ADAMS you most certainly won’t forget how shamelessly manipulative and asinine that scene was. Dump the ledge, the conversation with God, and swap out the butterfly with a fake-looking CGI moth and history repeats itself IN HELL.

LeBlanc sees a moth, begins remembering a time when he and his wife attempted to capture a moth that got loose in their house, and this prompts him to decide to fight on. Later on, in a real mindblower of a scene, that same moth will make another appearance and magically transform into his wife, floating in the air before him like an Obi-Wan Kenobi recording being projected by R2-D2. Even PATCH ADAMS never went that far off the deep end.

LeBlanc now decides to give in to his savage side and take part in the prison fights in order to survive this hellacious prison and finally deal with one particular bald-headed bully that kept beating him up and threatening to violently ass rape him. LeBlanc uses the time locked inside this hole in the wall cell to train his body in a manner reminiscent of Rocky Balboa in ROCKY 4 when he also training for the big fight in Russian squalor. That training pays off in spades, just as it did for Rocky Balboa. Over the course of a few short weeks we will witness Kyle LeBlanc go from being a really buff guy to being a really buff guy all oiled up and sweaty in order to make his muscle tone come through more. Just like ROCKY IV.

To director Ringo Lam's credit, the fight scenes don't shy away from being more honestly brutal that martial arts movie flashy. At the same time, they're also not especially memorable. I don't think Van Damme has been in an exciting fight scene since the final battle with Michael Jai White at the end of UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN, which, not so coincidentally, was also the only decent part of that wretched big screen career-killing movie.

I don't think I need to tell you how things ultimately play out. But I do need to tell you about the other character that eventually helps LeBlanc escape the Russian prison hellhole: ex-New York Giants linebacker Laurence Taylor. LeBlanc ends up sharing a cell with this rather large African-American covered with nasty scars and a reputation for murdering his cellmates. The prison guards describe this man as being a cold-blooded monster. It'll turn out this cold-blooded monster is actually a thoughtful, soft-spoken soul who spends the majority of his time reading books on philosophy and not saying much of anything. Well, not saying anything in the form of actual mouth-moving dialogue. Lawrence Taylor does the Morgan Freeman/THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION voiceover shtick, except I don't recall there ever being a scene in THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION where Morgan Freeman set a crippled guy in a wheelchair on fire as the man begged for his life. So he is a cold-blooded monster, but the movie goes out of its way to make you understand that guy in the wheelchair was a snitch and we all know snitches deserve to be roasted alive.

As LeBlanc undergoes his metamorphosis from mild-mannered murderer to savage brute to brooding pacifist still willing to commit murder when need be, Taylor’s character almost serves as a Greek chorus doing voiceover narration talking philosophically about the character arcs that Van Damme is attempting to portray.

Really makes you wonder what "extracurricular" activities these two engaged in off the set considering their mutual reputations for enjoying many of the same personal proclivities. That probably would have made for a heck of a documentary, certainly more entertaining than IN HELL was. You won't feel like you're in hell watching IN HELL but the distinct smell of sulfur does linger in the air.

Final Verdict: Needed more violent ass raping.

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE HALF PAST DEAD