MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE FANTASTIC FOUR

This month you're getting a shorter Foyeurism that what you're probably used to. It was originally twice as long but I decided to chop it in half since I should be moving (across town) sometime before the end of the month and might find myself pressed for slapping together a Foyeurism for the beginning of August. I also think watching HIGHLANDER: THE SOURCE three times in order to write up last month's Foyeurism sucked some of the life out of me. So with that said I'm even going to keep this intro month's intro short so that we can just move on to me wiping out a summer schlockbuster that I've seen far too many people giving a free pass too.

 

FANTASTIC 4, AUDIENCE 0

 

"Everything you know is at an end."

That's the ominous warning the Silver Surfer delivers even as pretty much everyone in the movie continues making plans for stuff long past the impending apocalypse, almost as if they've read the screenplay and know that everything works out well in the end. It's the end of the world as we know it and, well, everyone's a little grouchy, slightly bummed out sometimes, but otherwise fine.

"The Family Comedy of the Summer!" - Jessica Alba, MTV Movie Awards 2007

Perhaps the most fantastic aspect of FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER is the way it deals with the prospect of the end of the world without a care in the world. That our planet is going to be destroyed in eight days only occasionally affects our heroes in a negative way. Think about all the doomsaying you hear in real-life these days: all the screams of global warming bringing about a climatalogical apocalypse and Islamic terrorists unleashing nuclear and biological holocausts, Christians screaming about the End Times. In the world of FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER you got a giant planet devouring entity named Galactus quickly making its way towards Earth in about a week to leave our world little more than a lifeless husk. Do the Fantastic Four care? A little. But they've just got other problems to contend with.

Take "The Human Torch" Johnny Storm, for instance. Here's a cocky, good-looking, young lad whose combination of pretty boy looks, fame and fortune, and fiery superpowers enables him to score with the hottest of chicks and... Hold on a sec. I'm failing to see his problems. Perhaps he's too brash and impulsive, seems to have some potential abandonment issues, and he's having a hard time winning over that sexy Army gal, but other than those minor quibbles his only real dilemma in the movie is how unstable his powers become after encountering the Silver Surfer, causing him to trades powers with any of his teammates upon contact. That's really not that big a problem given that the only member of the group I'd imagine he'd ever want to touch is Jessica Alba and that's a moot point given she's playing his sister.

Bad example.

Take "The Thing" Ben Grimm instead. Here's a guy who had his physical form altered into a super strong, virtually indestructible, rock-like substance. Though he'd prefer being fully human, has to contend with a team mate's childish wisecracks at his deformed expense, and finding a beer mug with a handle he can work with is a pain in the rear, Grimm seems to have accepted his rock hard fate and even has a smoking hot blind girlfriend who doesn't mind at all that he looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger with the skin complexion of the surface of Mars. Hang on a sec. I'm again failing to see the conflict befalling this dude.

Alrighty then...

Moving on we have "Mister Fantastic" Reed Richards, a brilliant scientist, admittedly a bit of a stuffy workaholic, though his workaholic tendencies are for the benefit of mankind. He's about to get married to Jessica Alba. You know what? Forget it. The man's shagging Jessica Alba; he ain't got no problems that deserve our sympathy.

Fine then…

That leaves us with Jessica Alba AKA "Invisible Woman" Sue Storm. Finally, a character with some problems - those problems being she's a whiny narcissistic shrew. A mysterious being from outer space has begun reeking havoc, the military has asked her fiancé to assist in dealing with the matter, and this is like totally interfering with her wedding plans. No, honey, you can't go deal with the extraterrestrial menace threatening all life on the planet, you promised we were getting married this weekend!

And then their wedding; she first whines about it being a media circus, something they could have easily avoided had they bothered to - oh, I don't know, have a private ceremony like the one they end up doing at the end of the movie! Then after it gets buzzed by the mystery alien causing a city-wide blackout and making a helicopter crash nearly killing several people at their wedding, there's poor little Sue Storm all sad and weepy because her wedding day got ruined.

And even after they find out the end of the world is potentially only days away, all Sue can belly ache about is what sort of life will she and Reed and their future children have amid super-powered mayhem and media scrutiny. Hey, Sue, if you think living under the scrutiny of the media is harsh, just wait until the world destroying planet devourer arrives. Sheesh!

Glasses make me look smart.

Of the superheroes who exist to protect the world Reed Richards seems to be the only one genuinely concerned with the prospect of Earth being destroyed and even he has Sue there to tell him he really needs to relax. Why not; it's not like it's the end of the world.

The Fantastic Four's "Me! Me! Me!" mentality gets so out of hand that when they were on their way to intercept the Silver Surfer and all of them began bickering about Reed and Sue moving out after their wedding and potentially disbanding the team, the gruff army general angrily retorts, "What is wrong with you people?" All I could think was that he was dead right - what was wrong with these people? Armageddon is at hand and they're petty bickering over matters that won't make any difference if they don't save the world first. After a while you come to realize what a bunch of aloof, self-centered whiners the Fantastic Four really are. No wonder everyone likes the X-Men better.

Can you believe that even HOWARD THE DUCK treated the potential end of life on our planet with more gravitas than FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER? Think about that for a moment.

Ah, crap; now they're remaking THE ALLIGATOR PEOPLE!

Couldn't help but notice the United States truly is the world police in this movie. Even when the Fantastic Four attempt to save the day in the United Kingdom it's still that gruff US General they have to answer to when things don't go so well. Now that I think about it, that general is really the only one in the movie that truly cares about preventing the destruction of Earth above all else. It's his top priority, nothing else matters, and for that sin his reward will be death. That'll teach him not to adopt a "Don't Worry, Be Happy" philosophy.

That gruff army general... Andre Braugher is one of our finest actors, as well as one of our most criminally underused. The last two times I've seen him on the big screen were in but parts engaging in a death hug with Fergie aboard the doomed POSEIDON and now here doomed to be eradicated by the worst comic movie villain in recent memory.

Can someone please get this man a major role in a good movie?

Ah, Doctor Doom... A European dictator with world-conquering ambitions... Lex Luthor meets Joseph Stalin in an iron mask... Nah, let's make him a corporate, megalomaniacal, GQ cover model who occasionally dons a Quiet Riot mask and dresses like Emperor Palpatine on St. Patrick's Day. The portrayal of Doctor Doom in the first FANTASTIC FOUR movie was nothing short of criminal and they didn't do anything to correct matters this time around. Amazing when you think about it, but even the Roger Corman FANTASTIC FOUR movie managed to at least get the characterization of Doctor Doom right.

One must give credit to Fox for their marketing of this sequel. The previews were (no pun intended) fantastic, giving everyone false hope that maybe this time they might get it right. The ads all but made the Fantastic Four secondary to the Silver Surfer - a wise move. I don't recall a single ad for the film that showed Doctor Doom at all - an even wiser move. What a wonderful scam Fox perpetrated.

Meanwhile, over in Latveria, the fictionalized European country that Doctor Doom should be the dictator of if things went by comic book lore, Victor Von Doom has thawed out (for lack of a better word) after his being turned into a frozen metal statue at the end of the first film. His first act upon reawakening is to promptly set about recreating The Joker's "Mirror!" scene from the early-goings of Tim Burton's BATMAN.

Doom's been following reports of the mysterious alien streaking across the stratosphere and hops into his trusty Von Doom helicopter to flag down the Silver Surfer, doing so with relative ease - something even the Fantastic Four had thus far been incapable of doing. Because of this the US military eventually brings in noted supervillain Victor Von Doom to assist the Fantastic Four with the Silver Surfer quandary. Hey, he only tried killing the Fantastic Four in the first film because Sue Storm turned down his marriage proposal and not something more sinister that might offend the US government’s sensibilities like trying taking over the world. Doctor Doom doesn't roll like that, you know.

The frozen tundra encounter between scarred metal head and shiny chrome kahuna ends with the Silver Surfer blasting Doctor Doom with a burst of energy. This taste of the Surfer's power transforms the then hideously deformed Victor Von Doom, up until now looking like the bad guy from HOUSE OF THE DEAD, back into grossly miscast narcissistic Nip/Tuck plastic surgeon Julian McMahon.

Julian McMahon once again does an impeccable job playing one of comicdom's most iconic supervillains with a level of menace second only to that of Craig T. Nelson in THE SKULLS. The man doesn't even try to alter his voice into something more ominous when in his Doctor Doom mask. It's like listening to Darth Vader speaking not with the booming voice of James Earl Jones but that of someone along the lines of Kelsey Grammar. At this point Vince McMahon could play a more compelling Doctor Doom than Julian McMahon.

"Tonight, on a very special episode of Nip/Tuck, Dr. Troy faces his greatest challenge."

And keeping with the film's theme of "It's the End of the World as We Know It and I Feel Fine," (that really should have been the movie's theme song), even at the end when the Fantastic Four have to team-up with the Silver Surfer to retrieve his magic surfboard from Doctor Doom who has stolen it, gained all its astronomical powers, and begun acting like the lovechild of the Green Goblin and Darth Vader, their pleading with Doom Surfer that the board is the beacon summoning Galactus to Earth falls on deaf ears. Why should a guy like Doctor Doom care if the world is destroyed when he's just achieved the power to rule the world - at least for the half hour remaining until Galactus will arrive and kill all life on the planet, himself included.

Huh... Now that I think about it... Umm... You know, I'm thinking maybe that little conundrum should have been of some concern even to a megalomaniacal supervillain like Doctor Doom. He doesn't try and become Galactus' new herald or even attempt to use his newfound power to challenge Galactus. He just doesn't care. But... Shouldn't he care if he too is about to die?

Nah!

Doing so would have created cause for concern and concern is something that is only to be dealt with in very brief fleeting moments in between special effects, pratfalls, and assorted other sitcom antics. Even when Sue Storm gets harpooned through the heart, Reed Richards still doesn't get overly emotional about the death of his one true love. Oh, sure, he gets all sad-faced as he cradles her corpse, but the sadness he displays is the sort of sorrow one displays when a goldfish dies.

Look; I like the that FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER is only 90 minutes as opposed to the bloated geek epics we've thus far gotten this summer. I like that it's a bit on the goofy side and isn't overburdened with excessive amounts of angst like a certain web-slinging franchise that can't seem to get enough of it. But by the same token, FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER is just vapor. There's nothing substantial to its plot or characters. There isn't anything there to grab onto. No levity. No sense that anything is really at stake. Nothing the least bit compelling. I'm not upset because it didn't take itself deadly serious or employ an Irwin Allen disaster movie level of melodrama, but just because a movie is targeted squarely at 10-year old boys doesn't mean it can't have actual suspense - or at the very least some real substance to the material. Even a superhero movie aimed at the youth audience needs to have some sense of purpose, some sense that something is genuinely at stake unless our heroes save the day. Instead we get a movie with the mindset of the world is going to end in a couple days unless I help find a way to stop it from happening and an encounter with an extraterrestrial has altered my genetic structure thus making my superpowers dangerously unstable... I'm going to the bar to play darts!

About the only real bright spot in this film is the Silver Surfer - and not just because he's a shiny chrome color for most of it. You watch the stuff with the Surfer and wish it had been fully realized in its own movie rather than having been shoehorned into this one as a subplot masquerading as the focal point of the film. Yet even the Silver Surfer storyline is reduced to being a cockamamie mess.

Those aren't computer effects... They're the plot holes!

The Silver Surfer has made his way to Earth in order to prepare for the coming of the planet-consuming Galactus. Preparing for his coming involves the formation of numerous giant holes all over the world. The purpose of these super-sized, super deep holes is never adequately explained. I'd have thought they'd make perfect finger holes for Galactus to grip the world with so that he could eat it, but that would have required the makers of the movie to have actually visualized Galactus as he is in the comic book. Nope, this Galactus looks to be the nebulous interstellar storm cloud cousin of the giant ball of evil from THE FIFTH ELEMENT, but with even less personality and sense of menace. Hey, at least Mr. Shadow could make threatening phone calls.

The concept of a giant humanoid in a funky helmet just proved to be too silly for Fox honcho Tom Rothman, a guy who from all accounts would probably make a better comic book supervillain than this franchise's incarnation of Doctor Doom. From all reports I've read, he's the one who decided a mega-sized man in a freaky helmet who literally eats planets would be far too goofy a concept to visualize on the big screen.

I can't help but be reminded of Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin's mindset heading into GODZILLA. They felt the world needed a more realistic King of the Monsters, a "faster, sleeker, meaner" Godzilla, one that could run at 200 mph, was not invulnerable to military weaponry, and did not possess atomic breath. To this day I still cannot wrap my head around what the hell they were thinking aside from falling victim to their own post-ID4 arrogance. They signed on to make a movie about an indestructible radioactive dinosaur the size of a skyscraper with the ability to let fire a nuclear death ray from its mouth, which is exactly what audiences going in to see a movie called GODZILLA would be expecting to see and yet they decided they were going to do the exact opposite because they felt this concept was just too dumb (a truly amazing line of thought coming from people who's filmography includes MOON 44, UNIVERSAL SOLDIER, and INDEPENDENCE DAY) and truly believed the audience was craving something more "realistic". Godzilla fans can at least take solace that they didn't just turn Godzilla into a radioactive hurricane.

In a motion picture that features a human Stretch Armstrong doll, a woman who can turn invisible and create force fields, a guy composed of indestructible sediment strong enough to single-handedly prop up a colossal Ferris wheel, a flying man who can burst into flames, super-powered beings swapping superpowers at a single touch, a semi-metal who fires lightning bolts from his fingertips, an extraterrestrial T-1000 hanging ten in mid-air on an inter-dimensional power beacon shaped like a surfboard and can maneuver through solid matter with the utmost of ease, giant holes bore so deep into the earth one completely dries up the Thames River, special jumpsuits composed of material that works seamlessly in conjunction with the wearer's superpowers, a flying car, and a woman of Hispanic heritage sporting a bleach blonde dye job and bright blue contact lenses, the image of a super-sized, horned helmet-wearing, intergalactic superbeing who eats planets whole is apparently where they decided to draw the line of unbelievability. Sigh.

As much as it pains me, I've come to reconcile the fact that if you present something truly fantastical but in too serious a light then the makers of it are setting themselves up to increased scrutiny and many moviegoers will reject it because, quite frankly, Americans aren't much for imagination. True imagination requires thought and thinking is not one out our strong suits when it comes to entertainment, often because many believe they're too smart to believe in concepts that are so truly fantastical in nature. But present those fantastical elements as something to be haw-haw'd at and watch it get a free pass (GHOST RIDER, anything by Stephen Sommers, the FANTASTIC FOUR films) even when the form its presented in is of inferior craftsmanship.

In this case, it is the freakin' Fantastic Four, for crying out loud; the concepts are already fantastical in nature and the movie's presentation is little more than a live-action kiddy cartoon with TV sitcom humor. How in the hell can someone suddenly draw the line and declare the comic book form of Galactus to be just too unrealistic for movie audience's to swallow. The mere fact that the first god awful FANTASTIC FOUR movie grossed enough money to spawn a sequel should be more than enough proof to the powers that be that the visualization of a monolithic, planet-eating spaceman would not be asking too much of the sequel audience's intelligence.

M.I.A.
GALACTUS
"I HUNGER... FOR SCREENTIME"

Do keep in mind that I'm hardly some sort of comic purist. I don't think I've ever read a single issue of the Fantastic Four comic book in my entire live even though I can say I'm quite familiar with the characters and concepts of the series. That brings us back to FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER - a sequel that's come coasting in on a wave of extremely low expectations and being rewarded by many viewers for exceeding them. Yeah, it was better than the original. So what? The original was technically a better film than the Roger Corman version. So what? I admit this one is not a purely contemptible comic book movie like CATWOMAN or BATMAN & ROBIN or even the first FANTASTIC FOUR film - too flimsy, too breezy, too light hearted a film to garner any true resentment. That said; at the same time nobody over the age of 10 should be raving about this movie either. Would the FANTASTIC FOUR have lasted as many decades as it has and proven popular enough to warrant a megabudget blockbuster movie franchise if the comic book hadn't provided compelling fiction? Here the imagination begins and ends with the computer effects budget and the plot is essentially a Saturday morning cartoon come to life. Problem is the Saturday morning cartoon mentality generally doesn't translate too well to live action, particularly in movies where the plot is centered round the apocalypse and treated with even less foreboding menace than the haunted mansion in any given episode of Scooby Doo. I realize many people are easily pleased just so long as there's enough broad humor, loud noises, and special effects action: the true opiates of the summer movie watching masses. I still have no problem saying people really should expect better from movies with budgets equal to the gross national product of many third world nations.

So even though the Silver Surfer is setting up civilization for destruction by way of giant space tornado deep down he's really an okay dude forced into a bad situation. While the military sets out to destroy him, Doctor Doom covets his super-powered surfboard, and the other three Fantastic Four seek to separate him from said surfboard so as to diminish his powers, the Surfer begins bonding with Sue Storm, eventually revealing to her that he only aids Galactus in exchange for it sparing his home world on which his one true love lives. He'll even tell Sue that she reminds him of her; must have been because of Alba's alien features: a woman with obviously Latina features sporting a bad blonde dye job and artificial blue contact lens (and who rarely ever blinks either) did give her a bit of an otherworldly quality.

Having blown the entire f/x budget on bringing the Silver Surfer to life, the original action-packed finale was scrapped in favor of a game of "Made You Blink" with the fate of the world at stake.

Silver Surfer does get captured and in true Bush administration fashion our military's first instincts are to torture the guy to get him to talk, even going so far to bring in a professional torturer who looks more like a bad guy from the old Green Hornet TV show. The way we briefly see him working over the Surfer, I honestly expected him to ask, "Is it safe?" Thankfully, they did not opt to go with sexual humiliation, sparing us the sight of Silver Surfer in a variety of Abu Ghraib poses. I think the filmmakers missed a great attempt at humor by having a bunch of other lesser Marvel supervillains like Rocket Racer, Hypno Hustler, Mr. Fish, Boomerang, and Batroc the Leaper all on a prison floor in a naked dogpile with Silver Surfer. Though I suspect this didn't come about because they wanted to maintain the film's PG-rating and because Silver Surfer seems to be devoid of genitalia. Stare at him long enough and you come to realize that Silver Surfer really is a walking, talking silver Oscar statue come to life.

In the end, it isn't even the Fantastic Four that saves the day. Turns out their job in this film was to rescue the Silver Surfer from the United States military, hop into their freshly built Hemi-sponsored Fantasti-Car (clearly included in this movie for no other reason than to add yet more product placement), and beat up Doctor Doom in order to retrieve the all-powerful silver surfboard, achieved by having Human Torch take on the powers of his three team members in a fashion that ensures there won't be any Super Skrull action in any future sequels. Galactus' demise comes when the Silver Surfer, quite ironic given he was just rescued from being tortured by the American military, suicide bombs him.

NOTE TO ANY ALL-POWERFUL INTERGALACTIC SUPERBEINGS THAT MAY BE READING THIS RIGHT NOW: If you've got someone working for you under duress, against their will, essentially as a hostage being blackmailed into doing your bidding, I strongly suggest you reconsider enabling that individual with enough cosmic power to destroy you with relative ease. You'll thank me later.

Silver Surfer's sacrifice is supposed to be heroic but if you really think about it you realize that countless worlds and civilizations have been wiped out because the selfish shiny spaceman didn't want to do the universe a favor by nobly sacrificing himself for the greater good sooner. The ultimate irony is that Silver Surfer still survived the mega-powered energy explosion he channeled in order to eradicate Galactus. Stick around through the end credits and you'll get a glimpse of the unconscious Silver Surfer floating in space. Given the "no real consequences" mentality of the screenplay I'm rather shocked they didn't show him on his home world making out with his lady love.

In actuality, the real reason for this final throwaway shot is because a Silver Surfer solo movie is in the works. Good move now that they've squandered his primary storyline of being the unwitting herald of the planet-eating Galactus in a subplot in this turkey. What now for his own flick? I say have him fighting magic ninjas like in ELEKTRA. Magic flying ninjas! From outer space! With laser swords!

I was disappointed that the Silver Surfer sacrificed himself at the end - if only temporarily - because with Laurence Fishburne doing the voice and much of his dialogue sounding like MATRIX speak leftovers, I was hoping for a MATRIX: RELOADED moment where the Surfer returned in an open vest to give a boisterous sermon before declaring a celebration that would lead to a five-minute slow motion dance sequence. I remember watching the original MATRIX movie and thinking the one thing it was missing was an extended mosh pit dance sequence, an oversight they nicely corrected with the sequel. The first FANTASTIC FOUR flick was missing that same element and since they didn't correct any of the previous film's errors - hey, why start now?

It's now being reported that Fox has greenlit another FANTASTIC FOUR sequel and they are looking into using the same technique of including another known Marvel superhero to build the plot around so as to further sucker comic fans into supporting a film franchise that's done nothing to deserve becoming a franchise. Who will the new superhero addition be? We don't know yet but I do have some suggestions for the next film's introduction by way of potential titles.

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF ROM: SPACEKNIGHT
FANTASTIC FOUR: THE POWER PACK SHOWDOWN
FANTASTIC FOUR: CODENAME SPITFIRE
FANTASTIC FOUR: THE COMET MAN CHRONICLES
FANTASTIC FOUR: DEVIL DINOSAUR UNLEASHED
FANTASTIC FOUR: ROCKET RACCOON TO THE RESCUE
FANTASTIC FOUR: THE RETURN OF HOWARD THE DUCK
FANTASTIC FOUR: DANCE OF THE DAZZLER

I got it! I got it! The perfect superhero to assist the Fantastic Four in their next sequel is...

FANTASTIC FOUR: CHARGE OF THE NFL SUPERPRO

Here's my idea for the plot:

Silver Surfer's massive energy explosion at the end of the previous film opened up a small rift in time and space that allows dinosaurs from prehistoric times to get loose in our modern age. A conniving scientist studying dinosaur DNA transforms himself into the reptilian supervillain Stegron the Dinosaur Man. Stegron develops a means by which to control the rampaging dinosaurs and intends to use them for his own nefarious purposes. Stegron targets the upcoming Super Bowl because what better venue to announce your world domination intentions to a worldwide audience? Originally scheduled to take part in the Super Bowl halftime show, The Fantastic Four now find themselves joining forces with the official superhero of the National Football League, the ex-football hero turned superhero in the mega-armored football uniform, NFL Superpro. In between football-themed super action, wacky hijinks, and random dinosaur attacks, The Human Torch finds time to hit on some cheerleaders, The Thing goes undercover as the newest linebacker for the Chicago Bears, and wannabe mom Invisible Woman incessantly nags a hen-pecked Mr. Fantastic about spending too much time trying to come up with a means by which to close the prehistoric time rift and stop Stegron's diabolical plans while she's ovulating. Special surprise appearance at the end of the movie by metallic madman Doctor Doom, who it turns out was secretly disguised as the Vince Lombardi Trophy the entire time.

Somebody get me Tom Rothman's phone number because I smell money!

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE ARMAGEDDON