MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE BLOOD & CHOCOLATE

July is almost halfway over. You are probably already aware of this. I have been busy and lazy all at the same time. At least I got around to finally recording the ninth fun-filled new installment of the Foycast, which you can listen to or download HERE. This site's webmaster has also been out of town since the beginning of the month, and since the next Foyeurism is already scheduled for two weeks from now (Hint: scarred up bounty hunter and kung fu elemental bald kids just might be the focal point) I'm just going to keep this update very brief. The shortest Foyeurism ever? Maybe. Due to not really having the time to write the super long Foyeurisms as I used to and becoming increasingly aware of how long-winded some of my reviews have been in the past (Did I really type 30 pages about DRAGON WARS alone?), I'm trying to get back to my pithier roots. For what remains of this month I am going to tackle a topic I have previously only discussed on Dinner For Fiends podcasts at Dread Central. Sparkling vampires of day are foying. It's TWILIGHT time!

Previously, in the TWILIGHT SAGA...

Bella loves Edward. Edward loves Bella. Jacob loves Bella. Bella loves Jacob. Edward hates Jacob. Jacob hates Edward. "I'd rather die than live without you." "I'm willing to die to be with you forever." "You don't belong with him. You belong with me." Vampires. Werewolves. Teenagers. Virgins. Italians. Heavy staring. That about covers it.

The lunarcy cycle begins anew in TWILIGHT SAGA: EPISODE III - ATTACK OF THE EMOS...

Whitey McEyebrows has asked Young Lady Zoloft to marry him and get vamped. She has accepted. Or not. Or maybe. Or maybe not. She wants to lose her virginity to him and be his bride forever, but she's not sure because she still has feelings for The Abdominal Snowman, that hot-blooded Native American wolf boy with the perfect set of abs who refuses to wear a shirt even in the dead of winter in Northern Washington State. Bella Swan has already decided that Edward Cullen is the only reason she lives and breathes, her only reason for existing, the person she wants to spend eternity with, so much so she's even willing to give up her mortal life and become a bloodsucking vampire, but she doesn't want to give up Jacob Black to do so, and that gives her carte blanche to string them both along like the dickless meat puppets they are. She doesn't really know what to do with Jacob. She likes Jacob. She loves Jacob. She doesn't want to hurt Jacob's feelings. She wants to stare at Jacob without his shirt on. She wants to snuggle up next to Jacob without his shirt on. She punches him when he tries to kiss her. She kisses him when she needs him to punch someone else. She's willing to accept Edward's marriage proposal, but won't wear his ring around Jacob for fear of hurting Jacob's feelings. When Jacob finds out and his feelings get hurt, her solution is to go makeout with him and give him false hope that she may choose him over Edward. There's a term for girls like Bella Swan. It rhymes with "rock peas". This is the kind of young woman you see on daytime talk shows awaiting results to find out who her baby daddy is. If you want to see what becomes of girls like Bella Swan later in life, go watch Ashley Judd in the movie NORMAL LIFE - that's Bella in ten more years. Edward may be a vampire and Jacob a werewolf, but Bella...Bella is the true monster - a harpy, a banshee, some sort of soul-sucking demon girl.

Robert Pattinson has completely ceased to care, realizing at this point that he doesn't have to do anything more than stare at the camera with those Brillo Pad eyebrows and the movie will still make hundreds of millions of dollars. His Edward Cullen has fully morphed into nothing more than a paler, less horny version of Luke Perry's "Dylan McKay from the original 90210. How long until Edward begins riding a motorcycle?

My worst fear continues to be that one day Robert Pattinson's eyebrows will end up in the same room as William Shatner's toupee and attempt to mate.

Taylor Lautner, with his abs so washboard they could be played by a Zydeco band on Bourbon Street, gives the sort of hammy performance that wins soap opera studs a Daytime Emmy. Still no answer to the enduring mystery of where his pants disappear to when he transforms into one of the wolves from PRINCESS MONONOKE.

Kristen Stewart continues to play the role of Bella Swan as if she's lost in a marijuana-induced fog, only coming out of the haze to manipulate the two loves of her life with an emotional deviousness usually reserved for women described with words that rhyme with "bunt".

Anna Kendrick follows up her best supporting actress Oscar nomination for UP IN THE AIR with the bit part giving a valedictory address encouraging young people to make stupid decisions because being their age is all about being a blithering idiot. Not surprisingly, this speech proves to be precisely what Bella needed to hear to convince her that giving up her entire life (Literally!) to marry a vampire and become one herself is the right choice for a girl who has barely begun to live and has proven on multiple occassions to be completely incapable of making important life decisions.

This installment marks the most Mormon-tacular yet. Bella all but begs Edward to deflower her. The 109-year virgin refuses because he's a gentlemen, regales her with tales of how chaste courtship was back in the time when he was mortal, and breaking her dawn will not be possible until after they are married and she has converted to his way of life. Not to be outdone, Jacob gives Bella a lecture about how it is possible for someone to love more than one person at the same time. If only polygamy was legal Edward, Bella, and Jacob could all live happily ever after.

We also learn a bit more about the other members of the Cullen clan of "vegetarian" vampires. By "vegetarian", they mean they feed on animals instead of humans and not actually feed by draining the juices from vegetables like Bunnicula. That they bite forest critters in order to drain their blood may actually explain how Bunnicula became a vampire rabbit. Wait, so TWILIGHT is all a prequel to the BUNNICULA books? Suddenly it all makes sense.

We learn that the bitchy blonde Cullen became a vampire after being brutally gang raped by her drunken boyfriend and his inebriated friends, apparently, it would seem, on a street corner in plain view of everyone, and then left her to die in the middle of a busy city street. I think I saw that episode of "Law & Order". I so miss Jerry Orbach.

We learn that lizard-eyed Jasper Cullen was once a Confederate Texas soldier that lost his mortality after being seduced by a Mexican vampire woman who would go on to be slain a century later by El Santo.

Jasper's military training will come in handy because Seattle is under siege by an army of "newborn" vampires leaving behind a trail of bodies and nobody knows what to do about it because, well, it's Seattle. Behind this army of super strong, super thirsty, super emo newborn vamps is the vindictive Victoria, still harboring a vendetta against Bella because Edward killed the guy from NEVER BACK DOWN in the first film she was boinking. Victoria has seduced a teenage boy, turned him into a vampire, and has him convinced the only way they can safely be together is if he turns teenage runaways into a personal small army of alabaster bloodsuckers to destroy the Cullen’s.

So when Victoria screws with a guy's emotions and whips him into an almost uncontrollable frenzy she's considered the bad guy, but when Bella does the same to Edward and Jacob's heart strings, she's not only not considered a bad person, she's the romantic lead envied and idolized by females everywhere?

Much controversy arose when the producers replaced the actress who originally played Victoria in the previous two TWILIGHT movies with Bryce Dallas Howard. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it was actually something of a scandal that the actress who originated the minor role of a character that barely spoke or did much of anything other than run through the woods during her brief appearances in the first two installments was replaced with a different actress for the third film in which that character continues to say or do little aside from run through the woods at super speed looking like the daughter of Elizabeth Swann and The Flash. As far as the lamest movie vampire villains go, this Victoria gal ranks somewhere way down the list just higher than Ben Kingsley in BLOODRAYNE and a notch below Stephen Dorff in BLADE.

The Volturi have also come to Seattle. Pale skinned youngsters with red eyes in goth clothing standing around on rooftops and nobody notices because everyone must have just figured The Cure were in concert or something. The Volturi have arrived to make certain that the secret existence of vampires does not become public knowledge, and what better to make sure the world does not discover the existence of vampires than to waltz around a city under siege by vampire attacks dressed like Barnabas Collins.

Michael Sheen must have remembered that he's Michael Sheen and had better things to do than appear for another 10 minutes in a Mormon tweener monster romance flick. That leaves Dakota Fanning, dressed like Little Black Bauhaus Hood, as the defacto head of the Volturi this time around. She has the power to inflict extreme physical agony just by looking at you, not unlike the extreme physical agony I experienced looking at the previous TWILIGHT sequel.

After 45 minutes of Edward-Jacob eyebrow dueling, the underwearwolves agree to combine super powers with the X-Cullens to fight Victoria's vampire army. Despite being told for the entire movie that "newborn" vampires are at their most powerful and deadliest, despite constant dire talk of the threat they pose and how lethal this showdown could be, the entire battle proves a lop-sided affair with the Cullen’s practically using the newborns as frisbees to play fetch with the wolves. Those five minutes of fight training truly paid off.

All of this occurs while Bella's dad continues to be the world's least productive small town sheriff. Nearly every waking moment of his existence is spent lounging on the living room sofa or loitering about the kitchen mulling over the whereabouts of his daughter's virtue.

That's what makes the TWILIGHT series so great. Stephanie Meyer has perfectly captured that magical period in a teenagers' life when a moderately attractive emo girl with zero personality can emotionally manipulate the two hottest guys in school to fight over her for the chance to remain virgins.

Watching a TWILIGHT movie is like spending two hours of your life in a henhouse full of chickens that are all barren; an endless amount of squawking and nothing ever gets laid.

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE THE COVENANT